Sunday, March 8, 2015

Hello

Wow.  It has been a few weeks now.  It's been a crazy few weeks.  I've been working through some emotional stuff and I'm just getting over a week of bad cold.  I haven't been going to the gym because of one thing or another, but my goal is to start back tomorrow.  I'm down 72 pounds now.  I'm 358 pounds now.  It's been almost 10 years since I've been down to this.  It feels good.  I still wish it were coming off faster, but the bottom line is that it's coming off..slow but sure.

I admitted to my therapist the other day that things have been a little lax as far as my access to my credit and debit cards.  I think I get in trouble about 50 percent of the time right now.  I had to take my car to get fixed and I asked for my credit card to pay for the repairs.  The problem was that they ended up taking an extra day to fix the car and I kept my card.  I ended up getting desserts and eating too much of them.  I should have taken the card back, but I didn't want to.  I like having the option to get the food I want when I want.  The original rules were that I couldn't have access to my money without someone with me and that went by the wayside.

We've since buckled down and gone back to the original intent.   How long will I have to do this?  I don't know.  It'll be a year in April and I've tried to surrender to the process but I'm not always successful.  I've found ways to get money and "cheat".  I really feel, however, that before I would take EVERY opportunity to eat, hungry or not.  But now, I feel more in control of that.  I want to have a healthy relationship with food and I'm trying to get there.  It feels a little easier at least inside me.  I know I have external controls right now, but inside me, I also feel a little bit more control.  I'm not as driven as I used to be to eat everything in sight.  I'm learning to deal with the boredom and anxiety a little.  It's so uncomfortable, but it's necessary that I endure or I won't get where I want to get.

So here's to getting back to the gym and buckling down!

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