Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The New Path

Well, it's been a rough couple months, but I have ended up on a good path.  I spent about 6 weeks maintaining a 52 pound loss with no movement.  I then lost about 10 pounds only to gain it back over Christmas.  So I started the New Year right back at 52 pounds.

Before the New Year, I went through a lot of emotions.  It was discouraging and defeating.  I was afraid that I would lose my helpers because of no progress.  And because of this I found myself bingeing more than usual.  That weird reaction we have when we can't lose weight...we eat more!  Hopelessness was creeping in.  In addition to this, I'm not perfect in my eating habits and I felt like my therapist was expecting that I should be.  The thing is, I lost 52 pounds being imperfect and I didn't understand what had changed.  He was also expecting that I tighten down even more as far as not having certain foods in my house and eating less calories.  I was a little dissatisfied with him.  Too much criticism and shaming and demanding of perfection.  This is a work in progress for me.  I am not perfect.  Maybe some people can eat perfectly, I am not one of them.  At least not right now.  I'm still learning.  I stayed away from therapy for about 6 weeks and after he called, I decided to give him a chance.  We talked and got things straightened out.  I explained how I had been feeling about our last session and he explained that he wasn't interested in fighting with me about food.  By the end of the session, I was feeling comfortable and like we were on the same side again.  I have since noticed that going regularly helps me stay on track so I am planning on going once a week for a while.

A few years ago, I got my metabolic rate measured so I thought I'd try it again.  The test consists of breathing into this machine for 10 minutes and somehow it measures your resting metabolic rate.  The results were that I need 2635 calories just to maintain my body weight if I were to lay in bed all day.  Then there is the close to 800 calories that it estimated I need to go about my life walking around, working, etc.  It has been suggested to me that I eat around 2100 calories a day to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  I'd been thinking along those lines already.  My metabolic rate will go down as I lose weight so I'll need to adjust accordingly.

So here I am in the middle of January.  I'm finally back on a good path.  I got a membership to Planet Fitness and committed myself to exercising 3 times a week for now.  I spent 2 weeks walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 minutes.  I just got home from a workout and I actually feel pretty good.  There were a couple times when I came home so nauseated, but today I feel good!  The other day, I went even though I wasn't feeling well.  I figure I'm trying to create a habit so I went and walked slower than usual, but I went.  I've also pondered on the fact that I am able to show up, fat and all, to a gym and exercise in front of people.  I would not have done this even a year ago.  But I'm feeling better about myself as of late.  I am more than my fat.  My fat does not define me 24/7 anymore.  There are still those moments of self-hatred, but not always.

I've also lost 8 pounds since the first of the year.  I'm up to 60 pounds now or down to 370 pounds and I have a bright future ahead.  I'm still not perfect, but I've found that it takes commitment to the program.

This process is incredibly difficult and takes hard work.  I'm so thankful for those who help me out with this.  There is more motivation than weight loss for me these days.  I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish this; that I can finally conquer this.  I need to finish this.  It will be so fulfilling once I achieve my goal.

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