Sunday, March 8, 2015


Wow.  It has been a few weeks now.  It's been a crazy few weeks.  I've been working through some emotional stuff and I'm just getting over a week of bad cold.  I haven't been going to the gym because of one thing or another, but my goal is to start back tomorrow.  I'm down 72 pounds now.  I'm 358 pounds now.  It's been almost 10 years since I've been down to this.  It feels good.  I still wish it were coming off faster, but the bottom line is that it's coming off..slow but sure.

I admitted to my therapist the other day that things have been a little lax as far as my access to my credit and debit cards.  I think I get in trouble about 50 percent of the time right now.  I had to take my car to get fixed and I asked for my credit card to pay for the repairs.  The problem was that they ended up taking an extra day to fix the car and I kept my card.  I ended up getting desserts and eating too much of them.  I should have taken the card back, but I didn't want to.  I like having the option to get the food I want when I want.  The original rules were that I couldn't have access to my money without someone with me and that went by the wayside.

We've since buckled down and gone back to the original intent.   How long will I have to do this?  I don't know.  It'll be a year in April and I've tried to surrender to the process but I'm not always successful.  I've found ways to get money and "cheat".  I really feel, however, that before I would take EVERY opportunity to eat, hungry or not.  But now, I feel more in control of that.  I want to have a healthy relationship with food and I'm trying to get there.  It feels a little easier at least inside me.  I know I have external controls right now, but inside me, I also feel a little bit more control.  I'm not as driven as I used to be to eat everything in sight.  I'm learning to deal with the boredom and anxiety a little.  It's so uncomfortable, but it's necessary that I endure or I won't get where I want to get.

So here's to getting back to the gym and buckling down!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Plugging Along

I've had a pretty successful couple of weeks.  There have still been a couple hiccups, but I've managed to lose 11 pounds this month.  I'm at 367 now or 63 pounds down.

I usually spend lunch at my desk at work.  There was one day last week when I was tired of doing so.  I wanted to go shopping and I had a hidden agenda...I wanted a treat.  So I called my "money friend" and told her I was going to go shopping for my lunch hour.  Her voice was hesitant, but she agreed.  This is against the rules for me to go shopping by myself, and for good reason, as I was to find out.  With my new found freedom, I first went to the ice cream shop and got a medium sized soft serve vanilla cone.  YUM!  The problem:  it was too much.  I never remember that I could be satisfied with less if I just give it a chance.  But I usually get too much if given the chance, because I'm afraid of not being satisfied.  A second problem was that it wasn't chocolate.  So, when I went to the dollar store to do some shopping, I had to grab a candy bar too.  I ate that up.  Then I went to the grocery store and bought some non-food items, but couldn't make it past the candy bar aisle.  So, candy bar number 2 went down the hatches.  I returned the credit card, keeping my little binge a secret.  It's hard because I want to be trust worthy about this stuff, but I don't succeed at it.

I do want to say that I am doing much better overall.  I just tell that story to illustrate that it's still hard and I'm not out of the woods, but I'm headed in a good direction.  The anxiety I used to feel when I wasn't stuffing my face, has lessened.  I'm exercising regularly.  I try to keep doing things after work so I don't miss the food so much.  I still have trouble sometimes, but it's much better.  Time with the restrictions in place seems to be healing me a little.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The New Path

Well, it's been a rough couple months, but I have ended up on a good path.  I spent about 6 weeks maintaining a 52 pound loss with no movement.  I then lost about 10 pounds only to gain it back over Christmas.  So I started the New Year right back at 52 pounds.

Before the New Year, I went through a lot of emotions.  It was discouraging and defeating.  I was afraid that I would lose my helpers because of no progress.  And because of this I found myself bingeing more than usual.  That weird reaction we have when we can't lose weight...we eat more!  Hopelessness was creeping in.  In addition to this, I'm not perfect in my eating habits and I felt like my therapist was expecting that I should be.  The thing is, I lost 52 pounds being imperfect and I didn't understand what had changed.  He was also expecting that I tighten down even more as far as not having certain foods in my house and eating less calories.  I was a little dissatisfied with him.  Too much criticism and shaming and demanding of perfection.  This is a work in progress for me.  I am not perfect.  Maybe some people can eat perfectly, I am not one of them.  At least not right now.  I'm still learning.  I stayed away from therapy for about 6 weeks and after he called, I decided to give him a chance.  We talked and got things straightened out.  I explained how I had been feeling about our last session and he explained that he wasn't interested in fighting with me about food.  By the end of the session, I was feeling comfortable and like we were on the same side again.  I have since noticed that going regularly helps me stay on track so I am planning on going once a week for a while.

A few years ago, I got my metabolic rate measured so I thought I'd try it again.  The test consists of breathing into this machine for 10 minutes and somehow it measures your resting metabolic rate.  The results were that I need 2635 calories just to maintain my body weight if I were to lay in bed all day.  Then there is the close to 800 calories that it estimated I need to go about my life walking around, working, etc.  It has been suggested to me that I eat around 2100 calories a day to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  I'd been thinking along those lines already.  My metabolic rate will go down as I lose weight so I'll need to adjust accordingly.

So here I am in the middle of January.  I'm finally back on a good path.  I got a membership to Planet Fitness and committed myself to exercising 3 times a week for now.  I spent 2 weeks walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 minutes.  I just got home from a workout and I actually feel pretty good.  There were a couple times when I came home so nauseated, but today I feel good!  The other day, I went even though I wasn't feeling well.  I figure I'm trying to create a habit so I went and walked slower than usual, but I went.  I've also pondered on the fact that I am able to show up, fat and all, to a gym and exercise in front of people.  I would not have done this even a year ago.  But I'm feeling better about myself as of late.  I am more than my fat.  My fat does not define me 24/7 anymore.  There are still those moments of self-hatred, but not always.

I've also lost 8 pounds since the first of the year.  I'm up to 60 pounds now or down to 370 pounds and I have a bright future ahead.  I'm still not perfect, but I've found that it takes commitment to the program.

This process is incredibly difficult and takes hard work.  I'm so thankful for those who help me out with this.  There is more motivation than weight loss for me these days.  I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish this; that I can finally conquer this.  I need to finish this.  It will be so fulfilling once I achieve my goal.