Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Resisting My Cookie Monster

The last month has been filled with ups and downs, as usual.  I've been on the verge of a 50 pound loss for the last couple of weeks without much movement.  I find this has been a process of continual rededication to the plan.  It's not easy.  I've been doing well for the most part, I think.

I opened the door the other day to find my new neighbor introducing herself...with a plate of cookies.  I definitely had mixed feelings about it.  Both joy and terror (about the cookies, that is).  They looked and smelled delicious...pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  I had started the day with a feeling of rededication.  It had been my birthday the day before and after having a good day, I found myself the recipient of birthday cookies.  I felt sabotaged and trapped and I couldn't just leave them be.  I was hoping after some time and practice, I would be able to handle such dilemmas on my own.  But this was not the case.  I promptly ate all 5 cookies within a moment and feeling discouraged, I went out for ice cream...a half gallon of it.  I'm sure you can imagine what happened next.  So with that being my day before, I was once again faced with cookies.  I wanted to do things different this time.  I tried to think.  Do I eat just one and crumple the rest in the toilet?  Do I not eat any because I know I can't stop?  Do I have the strength to do either one?  I did decide to wait for after dinner and then I ate a couple.  But it wasn't long before the rest called my name.

It's difficult to say when or if I'll be able to be in a room alone with treats and not overdo it.  But I keep trying.  I've been told it's too soon to expect.  Maybe with more time.  But I have lost almost 50 pounds in the last 6 months.  I must be doing something right!

Monday, September 1, 2014

A Little Hiccup

My weight loss has slowed a little.  I'll know for sure tomorrow when I weigh in.  But last week I only lost 0.2 pounds.  The reason, I imagine, is because I found myself with a half gallon of ice cream.  I changed banks and I got the new debit card in the mail on a Friday.  I thought I could just give it to my money friends the next morning when I went grocery shopping.  But it was Friday, after a long week at work, and I was craving an ice cream cone.  I felt it was my only chance to have a treat, so I decided to go get an ice cream cone.  On the way, I was afraid that I wouldn't be satisfied with just one ice cream cone, so as a buffer, I purchased a half gallon of extra ice cream.  It was dumb.  After I ate my cone, I felt pretty satisfied and full, and I could have just gone on with my life, except for the other ice cream staring me in the face.  I had just a taste, and then one more, and then one more, until half of it was gone.  I was feeling pretty panicked and sad about it.  I thought, "Wendy, throw the rest of it away!"  But I have a hard time "wasting" things and I lied to myself once again and decided that I could handle having the rest in my freezer.  But Saturday came and by the afternoon, I had eaten the rest of it.  It's not quite reminiscent of my bingeing days, but it's not a healthy choice either.

After I found out I had only lost 0.2 pounds, I was disappointed and...guess what (shocker!)...I threw in the towel for a couple days.  I found myself in the break room at work, eating chips and queso and brownies.  If you remember, I sent an email to my co-workers daring them to catch me doing such things and the reward would be $25.  Well, several saw, but only one asked if she was supposed to be stopping me.  I said yes and thanked her for not demanding the $25.  When I told my therapist about it, he was pretty insistent that I give her the money.  It was what I promised and, as he reminded me, the deterrent isn't going to work if there are no consequences for me.  So, I told her a couple days ago that she was the winner and I'd be giving her the $25 when I could get it (which will be tomorrow).

Heavy sigh.  I'm afraid of giving up for good.  I've got my feet under me for the last few days again, but what if I give up for good one of these times?  I really don't want to.  I need to keep picking myself up.  I need to learn that just because I didn't lose weight one week, that it's over and it's not worth it.  It just puts me further behind for the next week.  I'm not sure what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm promising myself that I won't let a disappointing number stop me again.