Thursday, July 24, 2014

Improvements

I thought I'd check in really quick.  I've been doing well the last couple weeks.  I've lost 9 pounds which brings my total to 25 lost.  405 on the scale.  I'm learning to not eat so much at night and watching how much I eat.  It's been long time coming, but I hope I can solidify these habits.  It feels very new and awkward.  The good thing is that the anxiety is lessening that I feel when I'm not eating.  I don't have to hide my feelings by eating.  Again, new and awkward.

I have another challenge ahead of me though.  I'm leaving for Vegas in about 5 days for a work conference and everything is going to be eat out.  I've got to learn to leave food on my plate (if I'm full) and I'll be golden.  I'll keep you posted on what happens.  (Even though, what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas.)

My next goal is to choose more rounded healthy food.  Veggies are often missing from my meals.  I like them okay, I'm just not in the habit of always having them with meals.

That's it for now.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Keep Trying

Even though I feel like I'm trying, I'm finding it hard to lose weight.  After I hit the 20 pound mark, I gained 4 pounds and have been stuck there for a couple weeks.  I've decided that I need to not eat 6 bran muffins every night.  I'm out of ingredients so I'm safe for a while.

I've also been given a challenge to "work the program".  I'm going to Las Vegas in a few weeks for work and while a couple other co-workers are going, I'm going to be traveling by myself.  Because of this I really need possession of my credit cards for lunch while I'm waiting for the plane and to check into the hotel.  My therapist wasn't going to agree to that.  He was all for me  packing a lunch for the airport and waiting around in the hotel lobby until the others arrived several hours after me.  No way, I said.  It's my chance to enjoy a more expensive hotel room and I want to get in there as soon as I arrive.  After a lengthy discussion, he proposed that I could be in possession of my credit card for the day, (until I meet up with my friend), if I "work the program" until then.  I heartily agreed.  I've been messing up every week since I started this, but now I have to really dig in and do a good job.  It's difficult.  I've realized I've allowed myself to eat a lot in the evenings and it's hard to break that habit.  But I've been successful for 2 whole days!

I'm also concentrating on walking more that I do.  I use a jazzy chair at work to get to the other buildings on campus and I've decided to go half way and park the chair and walk the rest of the way.  If I can make myself do it that is.  It's exhausting lugging around this extra 275 pounds.  But, this is a process.  This is not going to happen overnight.  I have to keep trying.  

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Freedom

I finally gave up my new credit card to my money friends today.  After my epiphany about eating healthy, you would think that I wouldn't have any qualms about it.  But I do.   I still crave sugary things and wish I could have my cake and eat it too.  But I can't.  I often feel that some of my freedoms have been taken away.  The freedom to eat all the junk food I want.  The freedom to eat until I'm sick.  It's more like a compulsion to eat all the food in sight and an obsession with food that plagues me.  I'm shackled with chains that make me want to eat and eat and eat.  The desserts and other foods have me imprisoned.  That doesn't sound like freedom to me.  I want to be free of the cravings and I want to be strong enough to resist bingeing.  I want to be free to eat like a normal person and not think about it.  I want to be free to nurture and fuel myself with food instead of abusing myself with it.  I want to be able to truly choose, of my own free will, good, nutritious foods and not be bogged down by the drive to make unwise choices.  I'm hoping these "restrictions" that I've put on myself will someday allow me to be truly free as I learn to choose good things.