Monday, June 30, 2014

Lesson Learned

I have realized this past week just how eating healthier and taking care of myself makes me feel.  It's kind of crazy, but as I was eating all that ice cream and Reece's, it didn't really taste all that great, but I kept eating hoping for that brief satisfaction and numbing I used to feel.  I was numb, but not in a good way.  My mind was a blur, my body was weak.  My sugars were in the 400s again (they should be at least in the low 100s) and I was feeling horrible.  I have learned my lesson.  The rewards for eating healthy are much greater than the rewards for eating poorly.  NO MORE BINGEING ON DESSERTS FOR ME!  I've never felt the contrast so distinctly before and I don't want those sluggish sick feelings ever again.

I was too scared to weigh today, but I think the lesson I learned this last week is invaluable.  I've decided not to beat myself up about it and I think this has allowed me to see what happened in a non-judgmental light.  I could wallow in self pity, but I'm not going to do that. As a result, it has strengthened my resolve to be healthy.  I'm going to take my credit card over to my friends and continue this journey with new vigor.

  

Saturday, June 28, 2014

My Topple Off the Wagon

It all started when I got that darn replacement credit card.  I ended up buying 3 candy bars out of the vending machine at work and eating them all that very second.  Then the following days are a blur of ice cream, bags of Reese's, loaves of bread and jars of peanut butter. I need to get rid of what's left and hand over that stupid credit card.  I don't want to.  I know after I ate 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream and a bag of Reese's on Wednesday evening, I felt horrible, mentally and physically.  I was surprised at the contrast of how I felt between eating well and eating so poorly.  I only worked part of a day on Thursday and missed the entire day on Friday because I felt like I had the flu.  So exhausted and feeling really crummy and a little depressed.  I can feel the difference very clearly between taking care of myself and eating carelessly.  I can't believe that I lived my life feeling this crummy all the time.  I'm not taking care of myself as far as taking my pills or my insulin.  I'm in a bad way.  I need someone to help rescue me, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to do it myself.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Struggling

The past few days have been a bit of a struggle.  First, I've allowed myself to have overeat food in the house (i.e. bread and peanut butter) and letting myself think that I can handle it.  I can't.  Second, I got a replacement credit card in the mail the other day and I haven't turned it over to my "money" friends yet.  I got some cash out of the ATM this morning and am this minute contemplating buying vast amounts of candy, ice cream, etc.  It would taste so good and I could be distracted from my dull day.  I don't know what I'll do. I'm trying to remind myself that there's not enough food in the world to cure my stress or boredom.  The anxiety is building.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Stairs and Peanut Butter

I've noticed lately that I am tackling stairs a little easier.  I've usually done stairs by going up a step and putting my other leg even, then going up the next step with one leg and bringing the other leg even.  I do this while firmly gripping the hand rail.  I don't have enough strength in my legs to do it without the help of my arms pulling me up using the hand rail.  Same thing going down stairs...take a step down and bring my other leg even using the rail to balance and brace myself.  Well, I've noticed that I often have the strength to actually walk up and down the stairs one after the other now...no bringing the second leg even.  I still need the rail, but I'm feeling a little lighter on my feet.  20 pounds off has made a difference in my physical abilities already.  I know it's a small victory, but I only look forward to many more.

Last night, I didn't mind my fullness very well.  After eating dinner, I was craving those bran muffins so I baked up 6 of them, even though I told myself I was only going to bake a couple at a time so I wouldn't eat all 6.  Well I ate them all and then I ate several spoonfuls of peanut butter after.  Sometimes I can't get enough peanut butter.  It's officially on the "don't have this at home cause you'll overeat on it" list, but I thought I'd take a chance.  I guess I'm still believing the lies I tell myself about food.  I always think I can handle it...I think I can eat those foods in moderation and have just one.  But the addictive part of me comes out and I snarf it all down at once.  I think and hope that someday I'll be able to, but apparently, it's not time yet.  A little disappointing but enlightening.

On the upside, I cooked with some whole wheat macaronis this week and they don't taste that much different, especially when you put sauces and other stuff with it.  So I think I'll keep that habit, gradually replacing white pastas with wheat versions.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Hanging On

Today's weight was encouraging.  It came in as maintaining my 410.6 lbs.  I've been overeating a little this last week so I'm grateful that I didn't gain any this time.  I'm successful about 70% of the time in eating only when I'm hungry and I'm continuing to work on stopping when I'm full.  I feel disappointed when I stop though and often I continue eating, so I've got to get over that.  I'm also thinking about eating slower instead of chowing down all the time, but one step at a time.

I've also got to work on emotional eating.  There was a point a couple years ago that I realized that there's not enough food in the world that can fill me up.  No matter how much I cram in, it doesn't make me emotionally full enough.  Food doesn't work for this.  Yes, it works temporarily, but then comes the guilt and disappointment and anger that I ate ALL THAT and then I feel worse than when I started.  I think I'm getting a hold on most of that outright bingeing behavior and I think that the reason is that I've finally got it in my head that there isn't enough food to cure my emotional life.  No matter how much food I stuff in, it's never going to work.  It's taken a long time even after I came to know this to back off on the extreme bingeing that I used to do.  I know having access to my binge foods taken away has been key as well.  Without it, I've been forced to sit with my emotions and I think I'm feeling better without the binges.  I'm not perfect yet, but it's getting better and quantity wise it's much less.  In a way, I'm lucky to be living by myself so I don't have to deal with other's food needs right now.

I am filled with intense compassion for others who are going through this.  I know the despair, the embarrassment, the self-loathing that they go through.  It's not easy.  Not at all.  I've got a good 40 years of food habits to break and it's not easy.  It's uncomfortable, it's exasperating, it's maddening.  When I think of what I've been through I'm depressed.  So much self-hatred to unload.  But I am also determined to make this work.  I want this to be the last time I lose weight.  This time it's for good.


Monday, June 16, 2014

Finally!

Well, I stopped by the doctors office this morning, got my blood test, and weighed.  To my utter surprise, it said I had lost 12 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  While I understand that some of this is water, some of it has to be fat.  I'm choosing to believe this.  I'm down to 410.6.  Yay!

Sunday, June 15, 2014

To Weigh or Not To Weigh?

Monday's are my weigh days.  I have to go to the doctors office because I don't have a scale that will weigh that high.  I usually drop by before work.  I'm thinking I'll weigh because I feel like I need a way to tell if what I'm doing is working.  But if it turns out that I've stayed the same or actually gained, it ruins my day for about 3 days.  So I just don't know.  I have to go for a blood test anyway, so I'll probably hop on the scale just out of intense curiosity and hope.

I've discovered these refrigerator bran muffins.  You make the dough and it can stay in the frig for up to 6 weeks.  They're full of bran and whole wheat flour and seem to be a great source of fiber and whole grain goodness.  The problem is that they taste really good too.  So I'll make up 6 muffins, but I'll eat all of them.  I'm full at about 3 muffins, but I don't stop.  I've got to work on the stopping when I'm full part.  So what do I do with those muffins?  Do I continue to make them with the knowledge that I will probably overeat on them?

Now here is where I'm confused.  My new inspirational book, "Intuitive Eating", would say that in order to make peace with food, all food needs to be acceptable.  And during this phase of learning to be an intuitive eater, you will probably not lose any weight and might even gain a little weight as you experiment eating what you truly want and getting it out of your system.  You are showing your body that no food is off limits.  It's supposed to lessen the allure of the food if you give yourself permission to eat and then you'll find that you could do with very little of it or could do without it all together.  That's what the authors say happens.  You have to go through these first steps (there are 10 steps) before you concentrate on nutrition.  And they do eventually talk about nutrition.  But talk to my therapist and he's not real keen about that one.  It does sound a little weird and counter-intuitive.  My thing is that they promise that I'll be able to eat without guilt.  Guilt always sparks an overeating or bingeing session with me and if I could learn to eat just one cookie without guilt, that would save a lot of binges.  And you are supposed to come to a point where you know you can eat whatever, but you choose healthy because you have learned to respect you body and how you feel and you feel best when you eat healthfully.  I want that to be true, but I'm not sure about it.  I don't know how to proceed.

While I'm thinking about all of this, I intend on keeping my helping friends in place.  I feel good about their help and I'm so grateful for their service to me.  I don't want to blow this and have their efforts be for naught.  How embarrassing would that be?  I think we've been at this for 2 months and I've only lost 8 pounds?  We'll see what the scale says tomorrow.  I'm hoping to see some progress.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Feeling Hunger

First of all, some of you may have noticed that I took my blog down yesterday.  I was feeling overexposed and "naked" and I was in need of some privacy.  To my surprise, a couple of people noticed and asked me what was up.  I put it back up today.  I'm feeling a bit better about sharing.  It's a risk, being so open and it scares me.  But like I've said before, sharing helps me and hopefully helps someone else out there...so I'm back.

This week I am concentrating very hard on paying attention to my hunger.  I haven't mastered that yet and I think it's crucial to keeping my weight and health under control.  Back when I was eating so much and bingeing a lot, it was hard to notice any hunger...I usually didn't allow myself to get hungry.  So it's been an awakening to actually wait until I'm hungry to eat.  And I've found that food actually tastes better and is more satisfying when I wait.  Evenings and nights are the hardest for me to do this.  I struggle with eating out of boredom or loneliness or because the TV is on or because I'm at the computer, etc.  So I'm trying to find other things to do to combat those feelings or situations.  Sometimes I just have to talk myself out of eating and literally say to myself out loud, "You're not hungry, Wendy!"  Sometimes I just have to sit with it and let my emotions run their coarse without food.  It's most definitely still a work in progress.




Monday, June 9, 2014

Diets Don't Work

I spent the weekend reading a book that I've had on my shelf for several years, Intuitive Eating.  I think the bottom line for this one is being able to let your natural body tell you what, when, and how much to eat.  The first goal is to build a good relationship with food and then weight loss will follow.  The first concept is giving up the diet mentality.  I have some work to do there.  I still feel guilty if I eat something that is "forbidden" or "bad".  Even though with this new plan, I have stated that any food is okay in moderation, in the back of my mind, I still have foods that should not be touched.  I need to work on making sure that no food is forbidden.  According to the book, this takes the allure out of the food so you won't desire it so much and also if you do decide to eat it, you'll eat much less and you won't feel guilty.  I'm all for that! Guilt Free Eating.

I do have some diet mentality out of my system.  I swore off counting calories a few years ago.  Counting calories leads me to become super obsessive with food and when and what I'm supposed to eat.  Then if I go over, I feel guilty and eat even more because I blew it.  I started doing it when I was about 7 and the doctor put me on my first diet, a 1200 calorie diet.  When I do it, it's all I can think about.  So no counting anything for me.  Some might argue that's the way to go, but it hasn't worked yet and it's been 35 years of trying.  It has only made me fatter and fatter.  That's what diets do to me and I think a lot of others.

I've also partially decided that I'm not going to weigh myself anymore.  I'm not committed yet, but I skipped my weigh-in this morning and I think I feel okay.  When I weigh, it's either bad or good and that, in turn, calls for either a food pity party or a food celebration.  And I have a feeling that this plan of mine is going to cause very slow weight loss and I don't want to get discouraged.

I just really want to take inventory about what I'm trying now and making sure that there's no "diet" stuff going on.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Portion Control...Ugh!

I've been holding off posting because I've been feeling embarrassed and disappointed about the 2 pounds I've gained.  But I just decided that this blog is meant to be my real journey, and sometimes the truth isn't the greatest news, but it's the truth.

I am doing very well at staying away from sweets and deserts.  I thought that if I accomplished this that the weight would just come pouring off of me.  This has not happened.  I'm struggling to make adjustments in the amount of "regular" food that I eat.  I've heard that your stomach is the size of your fist, so my first goal going forward is to eat close to that amount at meals.  My second goal is to honor my hunger and fullness.  In other words, eat when I'm hungry and stop before I get too full.  It sounds easy enough, right?