Saturday, March 9, 2013

My Day with the Feast Beast

8:00 am:  "Hello Feast Beast, you are not coming with me today."  I spent the next 2 hours traveling to a meeting in Salt Lake.  So far, so good.

10:00 am:  At my meeting there was a bunch of fruit and bakery items layed out.  I originally picked up a reasonable amount and ate it.  I was hungry, this was good and okay.  But before I knew it, the Feast Beast was creeping into my thoughts, "That was good, Wendy, just have one more bagel.  It's going to taste so good."  Two more pieces of banana bread...then another bagel...banana bread...banana get the picture.  I was feeling insatiable.

12:30 pm:  The meeting over, I compulsively grabbed some more banana bread to put in my purse for the road, and we headed home to Logan.  We decided to eat in Brigham City at Maddox, which gave me over an hour to get the stuffed feeling out of me.  On the way, I would spot a McDonald's and I would think about the food there.  "Mmmm McDonald's sounds good."  Then we stopped at Target for a few minutes.  I walked past all the displays of Easter candy and I was attracted to each display.  I picked up different packages and looked each over and thought about how good each would taste, fighting with myself, wondering which choice would finally squelch my obsession, my drive to eat.  And then a moment of clarity and fight,  "No", I said out loud, "I will be eating lunch soon, I don't need a bag of Reece's Eggs".  I wasn't hungry.

2:30 pm:  At Maddox now, and still stuffed from all the breakfast I ate, I would continue to eat.  "You are at Maddox, Wendy.  Eat up, this is good food."  I would eat a bunch of those yummy, warm, fresh rolls and actually, finally be too full to eat my main meal.

3:30 pm:  I told myself that I could start over right now and just eat when I'm hungry and keep good food around me.  I pulled into the grocery store to get some hamburger and guess who is at the entrance?  Girl Scouts selling Girl Scout cookies.  Feast Beast:  "You need to support the Girl Scouts and buy some cookies.  You'll be able to eat them in moderation.  It's okay." I believed the lie and bought 3 boxes.  (I'll later put them in the freezer believing that will be a deterrent, and subsequently eat them all the next afternoon.)

6:00 pm:  I spent the evening visiting with friends, eating carmel and cheese popcorn constantly for the next 2 hours.  I would also eat dinner and dessert on top of that, stuffing cookies and donuts into my mouth without hesitation.

10:30 pm:  And here I sit with a day of regrets and guilt.  I've lost 50 pounds, but I'm not going to maintain that having days like this. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Wagon

I have managed to get back on the wagon a little.  Both feet are still hanging off the edge and my fingers are gripping the side boards, but at least most of me is on the wagon.  What a ride!  The road is unpaved and it feels like my wagon might have square wheels.  Bucking and sliding we go.  And I'm trying desperately to hang on!  There's mostly food lining the sides of the road and beyond and I have to be careful not to let go of the sideboards or I'll get thrown out right into a pile of Reece's and ice cream. I'm riding my wagon through Candy Land!  Yes, there are worse fates. :) 

"Keep your eye on the prize," I tell myself.  I just wonder when I'll get to a paved, straight road.  Will it ever get easier?  Will I always have to stay vigilant about food?  I long for a life where I'm not unconsciously gravitating toward the frig every 10 minutes.  Aah, to only want food when I'm hungry.  When does this transformation occur?  I guess I have to remember that I've spent 40 years perfecting eating constantly and it might take a while for all of this to come "naturally". 

I want my wagon to not be a wagon at all.  How about a limo?  With a small hot tub inside?  And a couple of cute guys who adore me and feed me grapes?  (See, everything comes back to food. :) )  I don't know what I want my road to be lined with.  Maybe when I figure that out, it'll get easier.

In the meantime, I'll keep holding on to my wagon.

P.S.  I'm down 45 lbs.  Yay!