Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Addiction's a Bitch

Things aren't going so well. 

I just finished 2 king size Reece's topped with extra peanut butter and a pint of ice cream.  I went out on a freezing Christmas evening to 7-Eleven to get it.   Earlier today, I finished a big bag of pretzels.  Last night I ate an entire big bag of peanut butter M&Ms surrounded by more peanut butter. 

I was doing so well, until office traditions put that crap back in my life again!  (See my previous post.)  Doing well seemed so easy.  I was ready, finally.  I was ready!  I did it...I lost weight for the first time in several years, I was losing weight.  I was allowing myself to dream again about a good life.  An active, healthy life, a life with a companion.  No more loneliness.  No more diabetes.  No more CPAP.  No more avoiding trips that require plane rides.  No more children telling their mom to look at the big, fat lady and me pretending that I don't hear.  It was in my future now that I was losing weight.

I let myself indulge for a while because I was surrounded by bad food so much the last few weeks, thinking that I could go right back to the program when it was gone.  I've tried the last few days and I just failed miserably.  And now I'm terrified that this weight loss experience is going to end up like all the others.  I gain it all back plus more and I'm worse off that I was before.

I thought this time was going to be different.  I just knew this was the real thing.  This obesity trial was finally over.  Hallelujah!  Thank you God.  You have finally seen fit to bless me with some self control and help me out of this miserable addiction.  I thought that my years of prayers had been answered.  I allowed myself to hope, to dream, to believe that it was over.  But clearly, IT'S NOT OVER!  IT'S FAR FROM OVER!

I am pissed, despondent and hopeless.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Too Many Treats

This last month has been a struggle in the food department.  My work has a December tradition of everyone taking their turn bringing treats for the office.  Oh, boy.  I think it was the first day, there were these toffee squares -- a toffee tasting cookie bottom covered in chocolate and nuts.  I found myself in the break room all day long, eating the stuff.  It seems that I'm the only one there with an eating problem, so I found myself alone much of the time that I was shoveling the stuff in my mouth.  At the end of the day, there were still several pieces left and I had a grand finale binge, shoving the sugary samples in my mouth, one after another.  I did not feel good, all that sugar and butter running through my veins.  I swore I would do better the next day. 

The next day was homemade cookies.  I started out with just one, but ended up grazing on them all day long.  There were some days of reprieve when our "treat" would be on the healthy side, but mostly not.  I would come home from work and just lay on the couch in a sugar coma.  I had spent the last few months doing relatively well either avoiding sugar or eating it in moderation and feeling well, and this sugar overload did not feel good at all, yet I kept doing it.  I felt like an alcoholic spending the month at a free bar.  I'm glad it's over with.

I decided that if I could just maintain my weight through this that was good enough.  I succeeded in that.  I also was reminded how sugar makes me feel...yucky.  I used to feel yucky all the time and I didn't know any different.  But spending the last few months doing better made this last month feel especially horrible.

I learned my lesson.  I really need to surround myself with good, wholesome food and not tempt myself with sugar.  I'm not strong enough.

I'm back on my program today and forever more.