Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Back in the Saddle

Well, it's been a while hasn't it?  I've been recovering from another surgery, 2 more bouts of blood clots in my lungs and diabetes.  I've been feeling so sluggish.  I gave up for a little while and I suppose I didn't want to document my demise. 

I quit exercising a long while back. Remember how I was loving exercise at physical therapy?  Well, 2 things happened.  First, I had been working-out in the morning before work and coming in a little later, but new management brought stricter schedule standards so it was difficult to mesh work-out with work.  And second, I found myself being left on my own at physical therapy and I couldn't do it anymore.  My support system there sort of fizzled out.  And while I don't blame them, I still feel abandoned by them.  I needed more attention than they could offer or had time for.  The high-fives and the "good jobs" died away.  And when I told my PT that I needed to come at a different time, he suggested that it might be less stressful for me if I went somewhere else more convenient, which I immediately interpreted as rejection.  I am high maintenance when it comes to exercise motivation.  More than one can handle.

Things on the food front haven't been much better, especially lately.  Just tonight I ate 3 large dinners in a row and I still feel like eating.  I can't stop eating.  I want to eat until I pop.  The insatiable cravings are horrible.  I can't get enough Reece's.  Food is all I think about.  I have to have something in my mouth at all times.  So, I don't know what to do about that at the moment.  I was reminded today that I have been misusing food since I can remember.  I've had a lot of practice at this.  And while I still have hope I might overcome it someday, I won't be surprised if I don't.

My thoughts have recently been migrating back to exercise.  So I'm signing up for some water aerobics at work and I'm actually looking forward to it.  And surprisingly, I'm not that worried about getting into a swimsuit and being in the pool.  I've told some people and they are supportive and I've got a co-worker whose going as well.  We'll see how it goes.  See if I can motivate myself.  See if the support I have is sufficient.  I'll keep you posted.