Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Addiction's a Bitch

Things aren't going so well. 

I just finished 2 king size Reece's topped with extra peanut butter and a pint of ice cream.  I went out on a freezing Christmas evening to 7-Eleven to get it.   Earlier today, I finished a big bag of pretzels.  Last night I ate an entire big bag of peanut butter M&Ms surrounded by more peanut butter. 

I was doing so well, until office traditions put that crap back in my life again!  (See my previous post.)  Doing well seemed so easy.  I was ready, finally.  I was ready!  I did it...I lost weight for the first time in several years, I was losing weight.  I was allowing myself to dream again about a good life.  An active, healthy life, a life with a companion.  No more loneliness.  No more diabetes.  No more CPAP.  No more avoiding trips that require plane rides.  No more children telling their mom to look at the big, fat lady and me pretending that I don't hear.  It was in my future now that I was losing weight.

I let myself indulge for a while because I was surrounded by bad food so much the last few weeks, thinking that I could go right back to the program when it was gone.  I've tried the last few days and I just failed miserably.  And now I'm terrified that this weight loss experience is going to end up like all the others.  I gain it all back plus more and I'm worse off that I was before.

I thought this time was going to be different.  I just knew this was the real thing.  This obesity trial was finally over.  Hallelujah!  Thank you God.  You have finally seen fit to bless me with some self control and help me out of this miserable addiction.  I thought that my years of prayers had been answered.  I allowed myself to hope, to dream, to believe that it was over.  But clearly, IT'S NOT OVER!  IT'S FAR FROM OVER!

I am pissed, despondent and hopeless.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Too Many Treats

This last month has been a struggle in the food department.  My work has a December tradition of everyone taking their turn bringing treats for the office.  Oh, boy.  I think it was the first day, there were these toffee squares -- a toffee tasting cookie bottom covered in chocolate and nuts.  I found myself in the break room all day long, eating the stuff.  It seems that I'm the only one there with an eating problem, so I found myself alone much of the time that I was shoveling the stuff in my mouth.  At the end of the day, there were still several pieces left and I had a grand finale binge, shoving the sugary samples in my mouth, one after another.  I did not feel good, all that sugar and butter running through my veins.  I swore I would do better the next day. 

The next day was homemade cookies.  I started out with just one, but ended up grazing on them all day long.  There were some days of reprieve when our "treat" would be on the healthy side, but mostly not.  I would come home from work and just lay on the couch in a sugar coma.  I had spent the last few months doing relatively well either avoiding sugar or eating it in moderation and feeling well, and this sugar overload did not feel good at all, yet I kept doing it.  I felt like an alcoholic spending the month at a free bar.  I'm glad it's over with.

I decided that if I could just maintain my weight through this that was good enough.  I succeeded in that.  I also was reminded how sugar makes me feel...yucky.  I used to feel yucky all the time and I didn't know any different.  But spending the last few months doing better made this last month feel especially horrible.

I learned my lesson.  I really need to surround myself with good, wholesome food and not tempt myself with sugar.  I'm not strong enough.

I'm back on my program today and forever more.

Sunday, September 30, 2012


I've lost 25 pounds!  I started a lifestyle change about 8 weeks ago and I'm loving it! 

I'm not calling this a diet though, because diets don't work.  I have occasionally lost weight on diets and then when I can't live up to their standards anymore, I've gained everything plus more back.  Dieting has been part of the reason for my steady weight gain.  Ironic, isn't it!  My last "diet" I lost 60 pounds, but when I couldn't take it anymore and the dam broke, I binged my way to a gain of 100 pounds.  That's when I swore off diets.  I have intense disdain for counting calories, grams, carbs, points, anything in the name of weight loss.  It makes me coo-coo for cocoa puffs.  It makes me food obsessed and guilt-ridden when my numbers don't add up. I feel famished and deprived of the food I want. Unsatisfied. It's difficult to live like that for a few weeks, much less the rest of your life.

I've been trying to figure out how "normal" people eat.  You know those people who just eat without thought, get it right, and don't have a weight problem.  I want to be free from food obsession and counting like they are.  I want to eat to live and not live to eat.  I want to deal with my emotions without food.  I think I've found something that has some of the answers that I'm looking for and I'm making some changes.  Some things I'm doing are eating only when I'm hungry, eating slowly, stopping when I'm comfortable, and cutting much of the sugar I used to eat out.  I can still eat what I want and I'm not counting a single thing...except my weight loss!

Just waiting to eat until I am hungry is marvelous.  I used to eat constantly, not ever letting myself get hungry.  I have found that eating to quelch the hunger is exceptionally satisfying.  So much more satisfying that just eating.  I want to wait til I'm hungry so I can get that satisfaction.  Now, if you were a fly on my wall, you would hear me say to myself several times a day, "I'm not hungry.  I'm not hungry."  I have to remind myself all the time, when I get a craving or I want to eat that I'm not hungry yet.  Most of the time, I'm successful.

The second thing that is incredible is chewing slowly.  I don't think I've really ever tasted my food.  It has been going in my mouth and down the hatch so fast that there's no chance to taste anything.  But I am impressed by how good food tastes when I slow down and enjoy it.  This has increased the satisfaction rating even further and I am amazed.

Anyway,  I am feeling so much better physically.  I have more energy, I can walk short distances without getting out of breath and it's getting better every day.  I always felt so lazy before, but I realize that I truly could not do much.  Even doing laundry or cooking a simple dinner was a trial.  But little by little those things are becoming easier.  And if I feel this improved from just 25 pounds, I wonder what the next 25 will bring?

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Pool

I found out the other day that instead of going to water aerobics, I could just go swim laps.  So I went.  I was scared when I noticed that the lap pool doesn't have those nice stairs that you can walk down to get into the water.  It just has hand rails and footholds in the wall of the pool.  After much trepidation, I casually lowered my 400 pound self into the pool.  I knew I was likely to be able to get in the pool.  I was skeptical if I was ever going to get out.  I had a coworker with me and we swam a few laps.  I haven't been swimming in years so it took a few laps for my body to remember how to swim again.  I think one arm is stronger than the other because when I swim on my back, I drift to the left...it's annoying.

It was soon time to go back to work and the moment of truth:  Can I get out of this pool?  I swam over to the the edge, took a deep breath and put my foot in the first hole.  One down, five to go.  Then the second, third, fourth....I might actually get out of this pool!  And then nothing.  I just didn't have the strength to lift myself out the rest of the way.  I tried and I tried.  Oh great...I'm stuck in here, how embarrassing.  I had visions of the multitudes of people that would be needed to help me out of the pool.  Some pushing, some pulling.  After a few moments of frantic problem solving, I splayed myself down on my stomach, my legs from the knees down still over the water.  I had my friend push me by my foot, while I crawled on the tile until I could turn my body, get up on my knees and stand up.  Whew!  I immediately turned back toward the pool, expecting to see all the lap swimmers stopped in their tracks, gawking and perhaps giggling at the fat lady trying to get out of the pool.  To my surprise, they were all still swimming.  Not even the life guard was looking at me. (I don't know if that's a good thing or not.)  Oh, my.  Getting out was more of a work-out than any swimming I did.

Friday, June 8, 2012


Just a quick post to let you all know that I went to water aerobics and it wasn't so horrible.  It was quite relaxing and enjoyable.  I'll be returning. :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Dread and...More Dread

I've packed my swimsuit in preparation for water aerobics tomorrow.  I'm not too thrilled.  I'm dreading the effort that it's going to take.  Even changing into my swimsuit and back into work clothes is a workout all on it's own.  So, what to do.  I've already paid for it and I certainly don't want to waste the money. 

Oh, crap.  I don't wanna go!  It's gonna hurt and I don't wanna go!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Back in the Saddle

Well, it's been a while hasn't it?  I've been recovering from another surgery, 2 more bouts of blood clots in my lungs and diabetes.  I've been feeling so sluggish.  I gave up for a little while and I suppose I didn't want to document my demise. 

I quit exercising a long while back. Remember how I was loving exercise at physical therapy?  Well, 2 things happened.  First, I had been working-out in the morning before work and coming in a little later, but new management brought stricter schedule standards so it was difficult to mesh work-out with work.  And second, I found myself being left on my own at physical therapy and I couldn't do it anymore.  My support system there sort of fizzled out.  And while I don't blame them, I still feel abandoned by them.  I needed more attention than they could offer or had time for.  The high-fives and the "good jobs" died away.  And when I told my PT that I needed to come at a different time, he suggested that it might be less stressful for me if I went somewhere else more convenient, which I immediately interpreted as rejection.  I am high maintenance when it comes to exercise motivation.  More than one can handle.

Things on the food front haven't been much better, especially lately.  Just tonight I ate 3 large dinners in a row and I still feel like eating.  I can't stop eating.  I want to eat until I pop.  The insatiable cravings are horrible.  I can't get enough Reece's.  Food is all I think about.  I have to have something in my mouth at all times.  So, I don't know what to do about that at the moment.  I was reminded today that I have been misusing food since I can remember.  I've had a lot of practice at this.  And while I still have hope I might overcome it someday, I won't be surprised if I don't.

My thoughts have recently been migrating back to exercise.  So I'm signing up for some water aerobics at work and I'm actually looking forward to it.  And surprisingly, I'm not that worried about getting into a swimsuit and being in the pool.  I've told some people and they are supportive and I've got a co-worker whose going as well.  We'll see how it goes.  See if I can motivate myself.  See if the support I have is sufficient.  I'll keep you posted.