Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Return of the Feast Beast

I got the term "Feast Beast" from a counselor I had several years ago.  (I think it's a book or something?)  The Feast Beast is that dastardly monster that tells you to eat until your sick, sends you insatiable cravings, tells you resistance is futile, that food is the only way to comfort, that you must get rid of it now and all the other countless lies we that struggle with food hear in our heads.

As soon as I had surgery in August, he left me alone.  I didn't have much of an appetite for a couple weeks and even after that, I relied on what other people cooked and brought to me, in the portions they chose.  So I think I may have gotten used to eating like a somewhat normal person.  Three normal meals a day and maybe a snack or two.  And then even after I was able to get my own food, I went through a phase for a couple months where my craving for sugar was very minimal if not gone most of the time.  It was great.  I felt free!  I was hoping it would last forever.  It was nice not to have the nagging cravings anymore.  To not care that there was a pan of brownies in the house or a gallon if ice cream in the freezer.

But alas, he has somehow sneaked back into my brain.  The good news is, the news I am hanging on to, is that I am able to keep his lies at bay much more that I used to be able to.  But I still find myself struggling again to not gorge myself on desert or food in general.  I am disappointed that I have to fight again, but I have to be grateful for the reprieve, I suppose.

(Heavy sigh) Just do it. Could somebody please give me a "round to-it"? Gosh, whyyyyeee is it soooooo haaaaaarrrrddd?

I can't quit fighting. I do quit sometimes. I just need to find a compelling enough reason to put on the boxing gloves...

...and kick Mr. Beast in the Bee-hind.  Reasons that will make me exercise, despite the tears and the fatigue.  Reasons that will help me resist the cravings and be courageous in feeling the feelings and dealing with life in other ways.
I can and will DO this thing called healthy living....positive thoughts, positive, happy thoughts.

Next on the Sandman Channel: "I Dream of Wal-Mart" and "My Date with George Clooney"

I worked at Wal-Mart for almost 7 years and it must have really gotten into my psyche because it's the only former job I dream about.  If it's purely a Wal-Mart dream, I'm usually wandering around aimlessly, I'm barefoot, or in my underwear.  It often gets mixed up with the job I currently have.  When I worked as a medical assistant, I would dream I was at Wal-Mart, wearing scrubs, calling patients to the back room, to see the assistant manager doctor. 

Last night I had a very busy dream.  I am at Wal-Mart surrounded by kitchen things and in the midst of all these things are banquet tables set up for a USU event. 
I am working on a "display" of dishes on one of the tables that has no rhyme or reason, when the USU President's wife takes a moment to give me some pointers on making it look better.  I then find myself amongst kitchen towels, catching up with old school chums when...

...I run into George Clooney.

He asks me out. 

Now, I am walking down the sidewalk, with George by my side, all dressed up.

In my dream, it's a couple of days later and I'm hangin' with said old school chums when I remember that I had a date with George Clooney.  "I went on a date with George Clooney!" I said.  "Hey, that's what I can blog about next!"  I wish I had more details about our date, but sadly, I don't remember anything past the sidewalk. 

The dream takes many more fascinating twists and turns from that point, but none compares to Wal-Mart dish towels and George. :0)