Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Too Large for Modern Medicine

I went to the ER a couple nights ago in severe pain.  They gave me some pain medicine, took some blood and sent me for an ultra sound.  They could only see part of what they were looking for.  Too much fat in the way apparently.  Then the doctor wanted to do a CT scan, but I exceed the weight limit for the table by 20 lbs.  There's no looking at my organs!!  I guess it wasn't too serious, I'm still kickin'.

I had taken a few weeks off of exercising and after a nice guilt trip phone call from my PT about a week ago, I started back, although without enthusiasm.  I was impressed by his persistence and his desire to help.  I am struggling though.  He has offered to "guide" my workouts for a few times to get me going again.  This makes me work out but I'm not too happy about it.  It's hard and I don't feel good.  It just sucks rocks!!!  And since I've cried though 2 of the last 3 workouts, my PT has his work cut out for him.  He asked me what was the matter today.  "Are you dizzy?  Does your big toe hurt?  Your shoulder?  Your right ear?"  I told him I didn't know why I was crying.  I'm about to make a generalization here, but I think that most guys brains want to solve the problem and ambiguous crying might be frustrating for them.  I think I was just tired and I wanted to lay down and take a nap.  And my stomach hurt.  You know what?  I think I was crying because I can't do what I want to do physically.  I am under the assumption that when people go exercise that they have some energy and stamina.  I don't remember, in my thinner days, exercising being so hard.  Maybe I didn't want to do it, but at least I had the stamina and energy to push myself into a sweaty, heavy breathing workout.  Where did the euphoria go?  Where did the reward of weight loss go?  They must have left with my energy.

Nevertheless, I have my goals ready for July.  You can read them on the left.  May I reach and exceed them!

Friday, June 25, 2010

I Gotta Move

Pardon my tardiness at posting, but I've been so busy being STRESSED OUT that time has gotten away from me.  Just another trial blessing (in the interest of being positive...positive smositive grrrrr) that life has thrown at me.  My "Gettin' Healthy" Goals are pretty much down the tubes for this month.  But I am finally starting to feel somewhat normal again. What's been going on....

Well, at the first of the month, my landlord informed me that they had decided not to rent their apartment anymore and that I had to be out by around July 1st (give or take a few days).  At the time, it was sort of exciting because I had been needing a good excuse to move and this was as good as any.  The problem:  I have a fantastic deal.  My rent is the cheapest I've ever seen and in addition it included all utilities (cable and internet, too).  After looking around and fiddling with my budget, it became clear that I could not afford this new "lavish" lifestyle that I was being forced into.  I did come up with a plan, if I could just stay with someone for about 3 months, that would allow me to pay off a few small bills, save up a deposit, and get me ready for my new more expensive life.  It looks good on paper, but now I had to call up the strength and courage to ask a few someones if I could live with them for a few weeks.  Oh, the humiliation, the crushed pride, the foolishness.  I summoned the courage to ask my sister first.  AWKWARD!!!  There were no open arms, there was no "of course I will spare you from life on the street for a few weeks".  While there wasn't a definite no, there wasn't any indication of yes either.  That's when I got really scared.  I mean REALLY SCARED.  "What if no one will let me stay with them?"  "Could this really be happening?"

So I started preparing myself for Living in my Car .  I printed off a bunch of ideas from the net so I could get myself prepared.  "I can do this.  I can do this".  It was interesting how most sites I glanced through stressed "keeping up appearances".  Don't Look Like a Homeless Person.  It gave me ideas from where to shower and clean up (a cheap gym membership) to choosing a safe place to park.  Who knew there was such advise?  So I actually spent a couple of days preparing myself mentally for the possibility.  I was scared to take the chance again and ask someone else and I was trying to keep up my "I don't need anyone" attitude.

And here is where I attempt to deal with this obstacle opportunity in an emotionally healthy way.  After years of dealing with depression, I know when things are getting slippery.  I imagine myself falling farther and farther down a deep, dark hole, the light fading.  Then I start feeling increasingly self-destructive, anything to get out of the hole.  I know I have poor coping skills when it comes to stress.  I can't concentrate, I can't make decisions, I have no energy to do anything, nor do I care much.  So, feeling so overwhelmed and unable to cope, I wondered what I could do to avoid self-destructing.  I needed to take some worries off of my plate, so I cut back on work for a couple of weeks.  With so much on my mind and depression looming, I wasn't able to deal with work very well anyway.  And I also felt it was an act of being kind to myself, giving myself a break, some relief, so I wouldn't feel such a pull toward the not so great coping skills I have developed over the years.

After several sleepless nights and depressed, anxious days...Relief.  My mom's living quarters are not really conducive to having guests overnight (I will have to sleep in the Lazyboy), but I know I can stay if I need to.  And then my friend offered to let me stay with her while I get my finances together.  I cannot say what a burden that relieves.  I am 100 lbs lighter (if only figuratively).

I'll update you on my food/exercise stuff in the next couple days.  Until then, as Gidget would say, "Toodles."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Big Fat Life is Over!

Okay, I really need more positive vibes in my life, so...My Big Fat Life is over!

It's time to think well of myself, to take care of myself, and love myself.  No more listening to the voices in my head that tell me I'm fat and ugly.  No more believing that weight = self-worth.  No more thinking that nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I might as well go eat worms.  No more feeling sorry for myself.  No more whining.  No more drama.  Okay, there will probably still be some whining and drama, but I am committed to upping the positivity.

I got to work a little early this morning, so I popped my Ricky Martin CD into my computer and shook some booty in my chair.  As everyone else arrived, I turned up "She Bangs" and told them they had to dance. A few weeks ago, I tried to get everyone to take a "Copacabana Break" with me.  It ended up that me and my friend, that I knew would dance with me, cut a rug and sang about Lola's yellow feather by ourselves, while some embarrassed looking student employees looked on.  So I was pleasantly surprised when they all did at least a short jig, even the most reserved of them.  It was hilarious.  It made me happy.

I must confess that I did break my exercise promise today.  I chose to treat myself to a massage instead.  My body had been hurting a lot today (lovely fibromyalgia).  It also ended up being a great catalyst for putting the stresses of the past several days behind me.  Good for my body and soul.  On the food front, today has been pretty good.  Had 3 meals and 2 snacks and I have successfully endured some food free anxiety this evening.  How?  I tried a combination of prayer, meditation, and relaxing thoughts.  Not bad, eh?