Sunday, March 8, 2015

Hello

Wow.  It has been a few weeks now.  It's been a crazy few weeks.  I've been working through some emotional stuff and I'm just getting over a week of bad cold.  I haven't been going to the gym because of one thing or another, but my goal is to start back tomorrow.  I'm down 72 pounds now.  I'm 358 pounds now.  It's been almost 10 years since I've been down to this.  It feels good.  I still wish it were coming off faster, but the bottom line is that it's coming off..slow but sure.

I admitted to my therapist the other day that things have been a little lax as far as my access to my credit and debit cards.  I think I get in trouble about 50 percent of the time right now.  I had to take my car to get fixed and I asked for my credit card to pay for the repairs.  The problem was that they ended up taking an extra day to fix the car and I kept my card.  I ended up getting desserts and eating too much of them.  I should have taken the card back, but I didn't want to.  I like having the option to get the food I want when I want.  The original rules were that I couldn't have access to my money without someone with me and that went by the wayside.

We've since buckled down and gone back to the original intent.   How long will I have to do this?  I don't know.  It'll be a year in April and I've tried to surrender to the process but I'm not always successful.  I've found ways to get money and "cheat".  I really feel, however, that before I would take EVERY opportunity to eat, hungry or not.  But now, I feel more in control of that.  I want to have a healthy relationship with food and I'm trying to get there.  It feels a little easier at least inside me.  I know I have external controls right now, but inside me, I also feel a little bit more control.  I'm not as driven as I used to be to eat everything in sight.  I'm learning to deal with the boredom and anxiety a little.  It's so uncomfortable, but it's necessary that I endure or I won't get where I want to get.

So here's to getting back to the gym and buckling down!

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Plugging Along

I've had a pretty successful couple of weeks.  There have still been a couple hiccups, but I've managed to lose 11 pounds this month.  I'm at 367 now or 63 pounds down.

I usually spend lunch at my desk at work.  There was one day last week when I was tired of doing so.  I wanted to go shopping and I had a hidden agenda...I wanted a treat.  So I called my "money friend" and told her I was going to go shopping for my lunch hour.  Her voice was hesitant, but she agreed.  This is against the rules for me to go shopping by myself, and for good reason, as I was to find out.  With my new found freedom, I first went to the ice cream shop and got a medium sized soft serve vanilla cone.  YUM!  The problem:  it was too much.  I never remember that I could be satisfied with less if I just give it a chance.  But I usually get too much if given the chance, because I'm afraid of not being satisfied.  A second problem was that it wasn't chocolate.  So, when I went to the dollar store to do some shopping, I had to grab a candy bar too.  I ate that up.  Then I went to the grocery store and bought some non-food items, but couldn't make it past the candy bar aisle.  So, candy bar number 2 went down the hatches.  I returned the credit card, keeping my little binge a secret.  It's hard because I want to be trust worthy about this stuff, but I don't succeed at it.

I do want to say that I am doing much better overall.  I just tell that story to illustrate that it's still hard and I'm not out of the woods, but I'm headed in a good direction.  The anxiety I used to feel when I wasn't stuffing my face, has lessened.  I'm exercising regularly.  I try to keep doing things after work so I don't miss the food so much.  I still have trouble sometimes, but it's much better.  Time with the restrictions in place seems to be healing me a little.


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The New Path

Well, it's been a rough couple months, but I have ended up on a good path.  I spent about 6 weeks maintaining a 52 pound loss with no movement.  I then lost about 10 pounds only to gain it back over Christmas.  So I started the New Year right back at 52 pounds.

Before the New Year, I went through a lot of emotions.  It was discouraging and defeating.  I was afraid that I would lose my helpers because of no progress.  And because of this I found myself bingeing more than usual.  That weird reaction we have when we can't lose weight...we eat more!  Hopelessness was creeping in.  In addition to this, I'm not perfect in my eating habits and I felt like my therapist was expecting that I should be.  The thing is, I lost 52 pounds being imperfect and I didn't understand what had changed.  He was also expecting that I tighten down even more as far as not having certain foods in my house and eating less calories.  I was a little dissatisfied with him.  Too much criticism and shaming and demanding of perfection.  This is a work in progress for me.  I am not perfect.  Maybe some people can eat perfectly, I am not one of them.  At least not right now.  I'm still learning.  I stayed away from therapy for about 6 weeks and after he called, I decided to give him a chance.  We talked and got things straightened out.  I explained how I had been feeling about our last session and he explained that he wasn't interested in fighting with me about food.  By the end of the session, I was feeling comfortable and like we were on the same side again.  I have since noticed that going regularly helps me stay on track so I am planning on going once a week for a while.

A few years ago, I got my metabolic rate measured so I thought I'd try it again.  The test consists of breathing into this machine for 10 minutes and somehow it measures your resting metabolic rate.  The results were that I need 2635 calories just to maintain my body weight if I were to lay in bed all day.  Then there is the close to 800 calories that it estimated I need to go about my life walking around, working, etc.  It has been suggested to me that I eat around 2100 calories a day to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  I'd been thinking along those lines already.  My metabolic rate will go down as I lose weight so I'll need to adjust accordingly.

So here I am in the middle of January.  I'm finally back on a good path.  I got a membership to Planet Fitness and committed myself to exercising 3 times a week for now.  I spent 2 weeks walking on the treadmill for 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 minutes.  I just got home from a workout and I actually feel pretty good.  There were a couple times when I came home so nauseated, but today I feel good!  The other day, I went even though I wasn't feeling well.  I figure I'm trying to create a habit so I went and walked slower than usual, but I went.  I've also pondered on the fact that I am able to show up, fat and all, to a gym and exercise in front of people.  I would not have done this even a year ago.  But I'm feeling better about myself as of late.  I am more than my fat.  My fat does not define me 24/7 anymore.  There are still those moments of self-hatred, but not always.

I've also lost 8 pounds since the first of the year.  I'm up to 60 pounds now or down to 370 pounds and I have a bright future ahead.  I'm still not perfect, but I've found that it takes commitment to the program.

This process is incredibly difficult and takes hard work.  I'm so thankful for those who help me out with this.  There is more motivation than weight loss for me these days.  I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish this; that I can finally conquer this.  I need to finish this.  It will be so fulfilling once I achieve my goal.


Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Last Post for a While

Just letting you know that I won't be posting for a while.  Just taking a break.  I don't know when I'll be back.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Fifty Pounds Down

Fifty pounds are officially off my body!  I crossed that threshold a couple weeks ago.  I'm 1/5 of the way there.  Two hundred more pounds to go.  I've thought about what my goal weight might be and while I would be thrilled with around 150, I think realistically, 180-200 might be a better goal.  But you never know.  I realize that 200 would still be considered overweight, but considering where I've come from, that's a lot healthier than where I am now.

I've had my challenges the last couple of weeks.  I got "booed" recently.  It's not a bad thing.  This is when a neighbor secretly leaves you treats with a "you've been booed" message for Halloween.  Then you have to "boo" 2 more neighbors within 24 hours.  Ideally, this continues until the whole neighborhood has a "We've been Booed" message on their front door.  Well, I felt obligated to treat 2 of my neighbors and keep the thing going.  So I took some change that I had managed to collect, and bought stuff for chocolate chip cookies.  I managed to "Boo" one of my neighbors and I had intended to treat a second neighbor, but, feeling exhausted and achy, I didn't make it there.  So I basically had cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner the next day.  Blah.  I managed to only gain 1 pound on my weigh in, which was okay with me considering the amount of cookies I ate.  But then I again, recommitted myself to the program.  I may have said this before, but, for me, this process is definitely not a seamless one.  There are ups and downs.  Thankfully more ups than downs and thankfully I am still able to lose weight.  Incidentally, the neighbor I managed to "Boo" didn't carry on the tradition...I am the only one with a sign on my door.  Sorry to whoever started the thing.

While I'm still susceptible to eating too many treats, I am able to eat a moderate amount of regular food and not overdo it.  Eating out is usually okay.  I only eat half of what is there.  My anxiety without food is lessening and I'm learning to live without constantly feeding my face.  This has just come with time and patience and perseverance.  It hasn't been easy and it helps that I usually don't have access to treats.  However, I think it's healthy that I am allowing myself a treat occasionally.  It takes the panic away of "I'll never be able to have chocolate again!"  It also takes the guilt away, when I do allow myself some chocolate.  Nothing is forbidden.  Instead it is moderated.

Halloween is around the corner and I've decided that Smarties will be my treat.  I don't really like them so they are safe with me.

My next challenge is getting off of diet Mountain Dew.  I could drink 2 liters a day, if I let myself...and sometimes I do.  I don't like that.  So I'm taking a few extra days off work during Thanksgiving week to "detox".  I usually don't get the headaches when I'm without it, thank goodness, but I'm always exhausted.  So, I'm going to take those days and rest and hopefully, when I'm done, I'll have some natural energy back.  They say withdrawal usually lasts at least a week and depending on how much caffeine you are used to having, can go for a month or more.  So we'll see soon how that goes.

That's all for now.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Resisting My Cookie Monster

The last month has been filled with ups and downs, as usual.  I've been on the verge of a 50 pound loss for the last couple of weeks without much movement.  I find this has been a process of continual rededication to the plan.  It's not easy.  I've been doing well for the most part, I think.

I opened the door the other day to find my new neighbor introducing herself...with a plate of cookies.  I definitely had mixed feelings about it.  Both joy and terror (about the cookies, that is).  They looked and smelled delicious...pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.  I had started the day with a feeling of rededication.  It had been my birthday the day before and after having a good day, I found myself the recipient of birthday cookies.  I felt sabotaged and trapped and I couldn't just leave them be.  I was hoping after some time and practice, I would be able to handle such dilemmas on my own.  But this was not the case.  I promptly ate all 5 cookies within a moment and feeling discouraged, I went out for ice cream...a half gallon of it.  I'm sure you can imagine what happened next.  So with that being my day before, I was once again faced with cookies.  I wanted to do things different this time.  I tried to think.  Do I eat just one and crumple the rest in the toilet?  Do I not eat any because I know I can't stop?  Do I have the strength to do either one?  I did decide to wait for after dinner and then I ate a couple.  But it wasn't long before the rest called my name.

It's difficult to say when or if I'll be able to be in a room alone with treats and not overdo it.  But I keep trying.  I've been told it's too soon to expect.  Maybe with more time.  But I have lost almost 50 pounds in the last 6 months.  I must be doing something right!

Monday, September 1, 2014

A Little Hiccup

My weight loss has slowed a little.  I'll know for sure tomorrow when I weigh in.  But last week I only lost 0.2 pounds.  The reason, I imagine, is because I found myself with a half gallon of ice cream.  I changed banks and I got the new debit card in the mail on a Friday.  I thought I could just give it to my money friends the next morning when I went grocery shopping.  But it was Friday, after a long week at work, and I was craving an ice cream cone.  I felt it was my only chance to have a treat, so I decided to go get an ice cream cone.  On the way, I was afraid that I wouldn't be satisfied with just one ice cream cone, so as a buffer, I purchased a half gallon of extra ice cream.  It was dumb.  After I ate my cone, I felt pretty satisfied and full, and I could have just gone on with my life, except for the other ice cream staring me in the face.  I had just a taste, and then one more, and then one more, until half of it was gone.  I was feeling pretty panicked and sad about it.  I thought, "Wendy, throw the rest of it away!"  But I have a hard time "wasting" things and I lied to myself once again and decided that I could handle having the rest in my freezer.  But Saturday came and by the afternoon, I had eaten the rest of it.  It's not quite reminiscent of my bingeing days, but it's not a healthy choice either.

After I found out I had only lost 0.2 pounds, I was disappointed and...guess what (shocker!)...I threw in the towel for a couple days.  I found myself in the break room at work, eating chips and queso and brownies.  If you remember, I sent an email to my co-workers daring them to catch me doing such things and the reward would be $25.  Well, several saw, but only one asked if she was supposed to be stopping me.  I said yes and thanked her for not demanding the $25.  When I told my therapist about it, he was pretty insistent that I give her the money.  It was what I promised and, as he reminded me, the deterrent isn't going to work if there are no consequences for me.  So, I told her a couple days ago that she was the winner and I'd be giving her the $25 when I could get it (which will be tomorrow).

Heavy sigh.  I'm afraid of giving up for good.  I've got my feet under me for the last few days again, but what if I give up for good one of these times?  I really don't want to.  I need to keep picking myself up.  I need to learn that just because I didn't lose weight one week, that it's over and it's not worth it.  It just puts me further behind for the next week.  I'm not sure what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm promising myself that I won't let a disappointing number stop me again.